To Lighten the Tedium of Air Travel
By Syed Arif Hussaini
Flying is no fun. It is so unnatural. Even birds, born to fly, appear to find it boring. Many of them sing and enchant, but never while flying. Most seem to be in a hurry to get to their destination. Ducks, geese, cranes and quails, for instance, that fly long distances are sometimes heard making noises that sound like utterances in anguish.
Man, the only creature blessed with intellect, has always used that gift of God to expand his reach and explore spheres normally not meant for him. Flying high above the earth surface is one such feat.
Being an innovative creature, he has found ways of lightening the tedium of remaining for long hours above the earth surface. On a recent trip to Singapore, I found the new Boeing jumbo jet equipped with small TV screens, one in front of each seat. Each passenger had the choice of selecting one of the numerous programs offered. You could see the screens of passengers in your neighborhood but the screens were tooled in such a way that you could see the picture only on the screen in front of you. That is human ingenuity to provide you the pleasure of watching the program of your choice in total privacy. The peeping toms in your neighborhood wouldn’t know what made you suddenly burst into laughter.
Yet, human ingenuity has so far devised no way of keeping long distance travelers fruitfully occupied and truly entertained instead of suffering from the ennui of being blasted through the skies in a pressurized metal tube. Coming out of the belly of this metal monster reminds one of the miracle of Prophet Jonah (Yunus) coming out alive from the belly of a gargantuan fish.
One must admit that air travel nowadays is much safer than travel by car or even by train. I am mentioning here only one unpalatable aspect of long-distance air journey - boredom. Speaking of palate, the discontinuance of serving hot meals on several domestic flights to economize on the cost, is another unpalatable aspect. But, there is a redeeming feature to this aspect too. Flight attendants throw small peanut and pretzel bags at you so that a totally empty stomach does not make you go into a tizzy and create a bigger problem.
Also, you have the option of taking with you in a paper bag a packed meal, eat the contents and spread the crumbs on the floor to your hearts content. The polite attendant will not stare at you and the floor but would offer you a soda with her enchanting smile.
Matter of fact, flight attendants are generally quite considerate and, if you are lucky, you will be served by a person with an uncanny sense of humor.
Each flight starts with the announcement regarding the safety belt. One flight attendant announced: “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. If you don’t know how to operate one, you sure shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised…. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face.”
In a similar vein another attendant announced: “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please swim to the shore and take the cushions with you as souvenirs from our airline.”
Some pilots have a large funny bone too. Here are some of their notable announcements. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. If you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this plane is on the wing, and if you can light them, you can smoke them.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Flight 420, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles…. OH, MY God …!! (silence and awe-inspiring suspense for a few moments followed by the Captain’s voice) I am so sorry if I scared you; while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pant!” A passenger yelled back: “That is nothing. You should see the back of mine!!!”
“Ladies & Gentlemen, this is your Captain again. Let me assure you that our airline has some of the most competent and pretty attendants working for us. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight.”
A senior flight attendant came on the intercom a while later to announce: “Ladies & Gentlemen: We have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort”. Came the Captain’s voice: “And to enhance the looks of our attendants.”
Another senior attendant said: “Thank you for choosing our airline. We hope you enjoyed the flight and giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
Another flight attendant’s comment after a rough landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Capt. Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing at an airport, the flight attendant announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew bring the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
What a blessing it is to have the company of such humorous attendants and captains.
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