Managing #BFFs
By Faiza Khan
Newport Beach, CA
I recently came across an instance where a close friend lamented she was not invited to graduation party by our mutually known friend - it was catastrophic for her. I played the role of her therapist at that moment in time and was happy to provide the proverbial should to cry on.
She was unable to understand the rationale behind why almost everyone in the friend group was invited but she was given the royal snub aka no invite. Much to her dismay, I was one of the invitees! Abysmally, she had known the other family longer than I had and she was (in her mind) more qualified to be invited to the party than I ever was. To add more fuel to the fire her cousin who was known to all of us also attended the grad party, and then proceeded to post photos of the event lavishly for all to see on social media. It took every ounce of willpower and patience in my body to console my friend into a mental state of Zen which was nowhere to be found.
Once she was calm, I knew I had to set the record straight to overcome chances of such awkward encounters in our relationship in the future. I empathized with her point of view that if she is isolated by her own community she is left with limited choices to interact with those outside of the culture. I reassured her it was not all doom and gloom, and no one is abandoning her just because she was not invited to a grad party. In her own might she was fighting a losing battle as all she was asking for is a sense of belonging with a certain group of friends.
As South-Asian Americans we are already a minority. Imminent danger lurks around us where we constantly negotiate our identity. We worry about drifting away from our roots and culture by assimilating in this colorful melting pot. Once I was able to calm my friend down from her “vent”, which was a combination of hormones and heightened emotions, I started to level with her. My premise is that we are unable to separate acquaintances from our friends overall as a community. On a quest for a fluid sociological definition of both terms I was unable to find one that was relevant. I settled for something that I customized for our own community.
The main difference between a friend and an acquaintance is the level of intimacy you share with either of them. A friend is a person you have a strong connection with and are not afraid of judgement from them. An acquaintanceis just someone you know by name or face and with whom you have a contextual connection with (at school, at work, at your friend’s party, your neighbor, at the gym, and list goes on).
You may have some acquaintancesyousee over and over throughout your life that you never really get to know. In our community we attend house parties, weddings and dinners where we repeatedly meet the same group of people, but never venture out to try to get to know them. However, they are still good people to know because they can connect you to potential friends or they can cross over to the friend zone someday. In my opinion the main difference is the emotional attachment.
You may keep acquaintances in your social circle even though you’ll stay emotionally distant from them. Friends are vested with you emotionally and acquaintances are detached when it comes to feelings and sentiments. The aspect of care and concern is primary in a friendship.
I personally have a much higher percentage of acquaintances over friends. The concept of “my one best friend” is seemingly very last decade. The 2020 era relationships have evolved significantly and everyone around you is your #BFF (Best friend forever) unless proven otherwise. This includes your pets, your co-workers, or even the person sitting next to you in a crowded café. The advent of #MeToo #LGBTQIAPlus #BeKind movements has charmed its way through influencers and social media to blur lines. We feel we know people who we have never met - better than the people we interact with personally. Discourse has changed the narrative.
I have often been confronted by an ongoing internal dilemma where my friend who I mentioned in the beginning of the article demand to know how should they downgrade a certain person who they call a friend to an acquaintance and vice versa. It's a huge pain really. You have to file a lot of paperwork, fill out forms with the office that manages your friendships. You'll need signatures from both of you in sound mind and have at least three witnesses who can verify that you're no longer best friends. Get all copies of the forms notarized. All this leg work will finally allow you to change the status. Ah bureaucracy! Jokes aside in all seriousness it’s a very simple and matter-of-fact solution. The only way to work it out is to have an honest conversation about it. If you are non-confrontational where you worry about consequences just have no conversation at all. Trust me your friend will understand. Friendship is arbitrary and unlike familial blood ties that cannot be forfeited- friendship can hit the pause button. The inability to have a choice in biological relatives limits your chances of having an amicable resolution but you can certainly choose your friends. So, exercise your choice wisely then.
The message I want to convey to my readers (including all my friends and acquaintances) is if you find someone you connect with just stay in touch with them. Don’t try to label them and compartmentalize them with linear terms and conditions. It is hard to find good people these days so if you find someone nice hold onto them with your life. Good people are endangered species in this day and age. If you find them protect them, nurture them and ensure their sanctity stays intact to the very end. Ride or die!
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